My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.