“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
You Might Also Like
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16