I was once killed by a shark escalator.
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
the three branches of government
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions