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Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.