Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Sniffing the broccoli
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Kids: Stay in school.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.