Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was