I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.