I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
my retirement plan is braless
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
You sure about that?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors