Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!