Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
This was a bad idea all around
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Any refunds available?…
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Watson was Holmes schooled
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?