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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A