Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Stephen King ruined corn children for me