Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him