If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]