I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
You Might Also Like
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
War & Peace
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait