If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*cough*
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids