20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
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When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.