“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.