velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
$3 #books
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.