We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Selfie
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.