@chrisanna4real

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

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@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@dlicj

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

@64spoons

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

@TurtleSprints

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

@pharmasean

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

@unravelingfire

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

@LipLush1

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

@Kyle_Lippert

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”