We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My safe word is Worcestershire
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.