We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
You Might Also Like
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston