We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
You Might Also Like
I falcon love using swear birds
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?