Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra