Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake