(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822