if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
choose your fighter
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage