Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.