[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
When libraries troll their patrons.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?