When libraries troll their patrons.
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”