My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Stonehinge
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.