*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
He died doing what he loved: being alive
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*