I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.