My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
WTF
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.