[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.