Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.