My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.