I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.