If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
is this a warning or an offer?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away