It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing