It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
scrabbled eggs
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up