I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
somebody come look at this
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder