I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.