gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
#milo
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..