May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.