10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously