Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that