lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.