gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Me too 😆
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Give a baker flours on your first date.