Give a baker flours on your first date.
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*