One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
men, we mow at sunrise.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Plant care tips
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.