alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Breaking news:
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.