If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
#Caturday
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Thrilling chase underway
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Found the job I’m suited for
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.